Ever wondered why some relationships seem to defy logic? Why a narcissist keeps trying to get their former partner back, even after a breakup? This is called “hoovering,” a tactic used by those with narcissistic traits. Hoovering comes from the Hoover vacuum, showing how the narcissist tries to “suck” their victims back in1.
Key Takeaways
- Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists to lure someone back into a relationship.
- Narcissists engage in hoovering when they sense a relationship might be ending, driven by a strong need for emotional satisfaction and control2.
- Hoovering tactics can include love bombing, apologies, promises, guilt trips, manipulation, and even threats2.
- Hoovering is connected to narcissistic traits like entitlement, a need for control, fear of rejection, and a desire for narcissistic supply2.
- Recognizing and resisting hoovering attempts is crucial for maintaining boundaries and protecting one’s well-being2.
What is Narcissistic Hoovering?
Narcissistic hoovering is when someone with narcissistic traits tries to get back into a relationship. It’s called “hoovering” because it’s like a vacuum cleaner sucking someone back in3. Narcissists use tricks like love bombing, giving gifts, or making you feel guilty to keep control3.
Hoovering is a common tactic for narcissists. They use it to keep their victims in line3. The main goal is to get narcissistic supply, like attention or control4. People who are empathetic are often targeted because they feel guilty and manipulated4.
Understanding the Dynamics of Narcissistic Hoovering
Narcissists might threaten to harm themselves to get attention during hoovering4. They also try to change history and avoid blame4. It’s crucial to set boundaries and stay away from abusers to stay safe4.
Knowing about narcissistic hoovering can help protect you. Understanding their motives and tactics can shield you from their emotional games3.
“Hoovering is solely about the narcissist’s need for attention, an ego boost, or sex – they are trying to fill the narcissistic void they are experiencing.”
Tactics Used in Hoovering
Narcissists are skilled at controlling others to meet their needs. They show a lot of manipulative behavior5. To keep power in their relationships, they use hoovering tactics, a common behavior among narcissists5.
Hoovering happens when narcissists fear their partner is becoming more independent or leaving5. They might use love bombing, gifts, gaslighting, or guilt to bring their victims back56.
Hoovering can start at any time after leaving a narcissist, showing their unpredictable nature5. Signs include claims of self-improvement, talking about the victim’s uniqueness, reaching out on special days, citing health issues, and even threats of self-harm56.
Narcissists may return to their exes to regain power and control, showing a pattern of behavior6. They might use hoovering tactics like false accusations and smear campaigns to look good6.
It’s important not to engage with a narcissist during hoovering and not to use common friends as messengers5. Working with a therapist is the best way to understand and deal with a narcissist’s manipulations5.
Narcissists might use love bombing, grand gestures, and excessive apologies to win back their exes6. A personal story shares how a victim faced extreme threats, like driving into oncoming traffic, to keep contact6.
Narcissists might promise to change to get their exes back, even if they don’t mean it6. They might threaten self-harm to keep their exes from leaving, showing emotionally abusive behavior6.
hoovering narcissist
A hoovering narcissist always seeks attention, ego boosts, or sex7. They use a clever plan to pull their victims back into bad relationships7. This shows how serious domestic violence is and why we need good ways to stop it7.
Police have seen many cases where people go back to abusive partners7. Narcissists use tricks like sending surprise messages or gifts to get control back7. They promise love and big presents to win their victims back7.
Narcissists always want narcissistic supply – attention and praise8. They often target people between 19 and 408. Sadly, about 60 million people suffer from narcissistic abuse, but only a few can escape alone8.
Childhood abuse or trauma makes narcissists avoid loneliness8. When victims cut ties, narcissists try hard to keep control8. They use charm and persistence to win their victims back8.
Hoovering Tactics | Duration |
---|---|
Hoovering Behavior | Within 6 months after separation9 |
Disappearing for 2 months before making a comeback9 | Rekindling attempts |
Intimate behavior with ex before a wedding9 | Potential rekindling attempts |
Expressing a desire to give the marriage a serious attempt9 | Temporary disconnect |
Continuing to text the ex-partner after divorce9 | Control and manipulation |
Narcissistic hoovering is complex and harmful9. It’s important for people to watch out and take care of themselves9. By spotting the tricks and setting clear limits, victims can start healing and growing9.
“The narcissist’s need for control usually stems from childhood abuse or trauma.”8
Recognizing Narcissistic Hoovering
Narcissistic hoovering is a way manipulators keep control over others. They use a cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discarding10. This is similar to love bombing, where they try to use their victim’s weaknesses.
Love bombing is when a narcissist showers someone with love to gain trust10. Gaslighting, used in the devaluation phase, makes victims doubt their sanity10.
Recognizing the Signs of Hoovering
Signs of narcissistic hoovering include reaching out after being silent, using guilt, and making the victim jealous10. Victims may feel confused, anxious, and emotionally drained10.
Knowing how to spot hoovering helps people avoid being manipulated11. It’s important to set boundaries to protect yourself10.
Dealing with a narcissist’s anger can be tough10. Therapy, support groups, and self-care are key to healing10.
Therapy and recovery coaching can help survivors of narcissistic abuse10. Healing is a journey that requires self-compassion and support10.
Examples of Hoovering Tactics
Those who have faced a hoovering narcissist know the tactics are sneaky and familiar. These manipulators use big declarations of love, romantic acts, and fake apologies to pull victims back in12.
Another tactic is “future faking,” where they promise a better future and loyalty, only to break those promises once they’ve got the victim back12. They might also use emotional blackmail, like threatening to harm themselves or making the victim feel guilty, to control them12.
Narcissists might also get others, like friends or family, to try to win the victim back. This “flying monkey” method uses the victim’s weak spots and sense of duty12.
Finally, the narcissist might pretend nothing bad happened, expecting the victim to just forgive and forget. This shows a clear disregard for the victim’s feelings, a key part of the abuse cycle12.
It’s vital to recognize these tactics to avoid falling back into a narcissist’s trap. Knowing how they manipulate can help survivors protect themselves and end the abuse cycle13.
“Hoovering is a manipulation tactic employed by individuals with narcissistic personality traits to lure someone back into a relationship.”
Why Do Narcissists Hoover?
Narcissists use a tactic called “hoovering” to pull their victims back into toxic relationships14. They make the victim think they’ll return, making it seem normal over time14. They might wait 2 weeks to 3 months before reaching out, and sometimes even change their phone number to make the victim anxious14.
Hoovering is a way for narcissists to get people back into their lives15. It’s a way to manipulate someone into reconnecting, starting a cycle of idealization and discardment15. This behavior can happen on purpose or by accident, but it’s common in narcissists15.
Narcissists hoover for many reasons, like needing attention or making their victims feel guilty14. They do it to stop their victims from moving on and to keep up their image14. At the core, they fear being left alone, which comes from deep-seated insecurities15.
The Role of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists need attention and admiration to feel complete15. When someone tries to leave, they feel a loss of this supply. So, they hoover to get it back and feel important again14.
Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists are terrified of being left or rejected15. They’ll do anything to stop their victims from leaving. They use guilt and emotional manipulation to keep them close14.
Knowing why narcissists hoover is key to escaping their abuse15. Victims can break free by staying away and getting support14.
“Hoovering is a key characteristic of toxic relationships and manifests in various ways focusing on controlling and drawing the person back in.”15
Responding to Hoovering
If you’ve been a victim of a hoovering narcissist, it’s key to spot the pattern and act wisely16. These individuals use tricks like too much affection, random calls, and fake promises of change to pull you back16. Studies show they might even try to stay friends for sinister reasons16.
To keep safe, set clear limits, focus on yourself, and emotionally step back16. Don’t give in to their demands, as it only feeds their control16. Instead, record their moves and speak up about what you need and won’t tolerate16.
- Spot the hoovering tactics used by the narcissist.
- Set strong boundaries to safeguard your time and energy.
- Stay emotionally detached and avoid engaging with the narcissist.
- Keep a safe distance and don’t give in to their wishes.
- Keep a record of the narcissist’s actions to show their behavior clearly.
By doing these things, you can handle a hoovering narcissist and focus on your health16. Always stand up to their emotional games by clearly stating your needs16.
“Many people over the years have stated about the narcissists in their life, ‘Why doesn’t he or she leave me alone?'”17
The reason is the narcissist’s endless need for control and attention17. Hoovering is a key part of their abuse cycle, as they keep trying to pull you back in, even after seeming to make up17.
By knowing their tactics and taking steps to protect yourself, you can escape their grasp and start healing1617.
The Role of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists need constant attention and admiration to keep their self-image inflated. This need is called narcissistic supply. Victims of narcissistic abuse often face the risk of going back to the abuser. This is due to factors like Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonds18.
To satisfy their ego, narcissists need a steady flow of narcissistic supply from their victims. Not all narcissists hoover, as they might have lost interest or found new sources of supply. Victims may also recognize the narcissist’s tactics18. Narcissists seek out primary, secondary, and tertiary sources of supply to meet their needs19.
Primary Narcissistic Supply comes from intimate partners who give them attention and admiration. These are the most important sources of supply. Secondary Narcissistic Supply includes spouses, children, friends, and colleagues who serve as backups. Narcissistic Tertiary Supply is from strangers who give a quick energy boost19.
When a victim tries to escape or is discarded, the narcissist may try to contact them again. They use tactics like hang-up calls and fake apologies to get back in touch19. These tactics aim to reestablish control and power over the victim18.
The need for narcissistic supply drives the narcissist’s hoovering behavior. They try to regain control and power over their victims. Victims are often targeted with tactics that exploit their compassion and guilt18.
Flaunting New Supply
In some cases, narcissists show off new supply to hurt their former targets. They do this to make the victim feel inadequate and jealous. This tactic is used to make the victim feel replaced18.
Type of Narcissistic Supply | Description |
---|---|
Primary Narcissistic Supply (PNS) | Intimate partners who provide the narcissist with attention and admiration |
Secondary Narcissistic Supply (SNS) | Individuals like spouses, children, friends, and colleagues who serve as backup sources of supply |
Narcissistic Tertiary Supply (NTS) | Lower-level sources of supply, often strangers, who provide a quick boost of energy or focus for the narcissist |
In conclusion, narcissists’ constant search for narcissistic supply drives their hoovering behavior. They aim to regain control and power over their victims. Understanding narcissistic supply is key to recognizing and addressing narcissists’ manipulation in toxic relationships18.
Blog – Blog Series Part 5: Future Faking, Gray Rock, and Hoovering19Blog – Blog Series Part 5: Future Faking, Gray Rock, and Hoovering
Narcissists and Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists fear being left or rejected a lot. This fear comes from deep-seated insecurities that push them to hoover20. They often lack empathy and use power to control others20. Many also show traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, especially the “vulnerable” type20.
At their core, narcissists fear being abandoned. This fear comes from being rejected and devalued as kids20. They are scared of criticism because it hurts their fragile ego20. This fear makes them act manipulatively, like hoovering, to keep their victims from leaving2021.
Narcissists usually have many sources of emotional validation. This makes them less attached to anyone21. They fear losing their power and control, which can make them angry if someone leaves21. They might even celebrate if someone they’ve hurt dies, seeing it as a way to prove their superiority21.
It’s key to understand a narcissist’s fear of abandonment to grasp their hoovering actions and the harm they cause20. Knowing what drives their behavior helps us deal with toxic relationships and focus on our own well-being20.
Resisting Hoovering Attempts
Ending a toxic relationship is tough, especially when a hoovering narcissist tries to pull you back22. Hoovering is when someone tries to draw you back in with manipulation22. They might send letters, show up unexpectedly, or use friends to get in touch22.
Remember, their reach-out isn’t from love or concern. It’s a desperate bid for control and attention22. Ending such a relationship can leave you feeling guilty, unsure, and confused22. But, the key to healing is to resist their pull.
- Keep strict no contact: Don’t answer any messages or calls from the narcissist22. Any interaction can be used to pull you back into the toxic cycle1.
- Build a strong support network: Surround yourself with people you trust for emotional and practical support22.
- Take care of yourself: Do things that make you feel good, like journaling, meditation, or seeing a therapist22.
- Embrace healing: Acknowledge your feelings, work through the trauma, and celebrate your growth in becoming independent22.
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is hard, but you can do it with determination and kindness to yourself22. By saying no to hoovering and focusing on your well-being, you regain control. This opens the door to a healthier, happier future.
“The only way to respond to a hoovering narcissist is with a firm, unyielding no. Anything else will be interpreted as a sign of weakness, and the cycle of abuse will continue.”
Seeking Support and Professional Help
After dealing with narcissistic abuse, it’s key to find the support you need. Your loved ones can offer emotional and practical help during this tough time23. People who have been abused often face stress symptoms like panic, intrusive thoughts, and depression23.
Having trusted family and friends by your side can make you feel less alone. They provide a safe place to share your experiences.
Also, getting help from a mental health expert who knows about narcissism and toxic relationships can be very helpful23. A therapist can teach you how to deal with abuse, set boundaries, and start healing.
Maintaining No Contact and Resisting Hoovering
23 The abuse cycle often starts with idealizing, then devalues and discards the victim23. The abuser might try to reconnect to get more attention or admiration23. This is called the “hoover maneuver,” where the abuser tries to reconnect through emails, texts, or showing up unexpectedly23.
23 Survivors should stay away and block any contact from the abuser24. This helps avoid another cycle of abuse24. Healing might mean setting boundaries, getting professional help, and taking care of yourself. If the abuser keeps harassing, you might need to take legal steps like restraining orders23.
Narcissistic Supply Cycle | Description |
---|---|
Idealization | 24 The narcissist shows a perfect, charming side to attract and control their target. |
Devaluation | 24 The narcissist starts to criticize and emotionally abuse, making the target doubt themselves. |
Discarding | 24 The narcissist suddenly leaves, leaving the target feeling lost and unsure of reality. |
Remember, you’re not alone. Getting support and professional help is key to healing from narcissistic abuse.
“The most effective way to avoid being hoovered back into a relationship with a narcissist is to go completely no-contact and stay that way. This means blocking the narcissist on all communication channels, and not responding to any attempts at contact, no matter how tempting or convincing they may seem.”
Conclusion
Hoovering is a tactic used by narcissists to pull victims back into toxic relationships25. It involves tactics like love bombing and emotional blackmail26. Victims often try to escape seven times before they’re free26.
It’s important to know the signs of hoovering to protect yourself26. Understanding the narcissist’s need for control helps victims set boundaries27. This way, they can focus on their own well-being27.
If you’re dealing with narcissistic abuse, get help from loved ones and mental health experts26. Healing is possible with self-care and setting boundaries26. With the right support, you can overcome the trauma and move forward.
FAQ
What is narcissistic hoovering?
Hoovering is when someone with narcissistic traits tries to get back into a relationship. It’s like using a Hoover vacuum to “suck” someone back in.
What tactics do narcissists use in hoovering?
They might use love bombing, give gifts, gaslight, or guilt trip to control their victims. Hoovering is about keeping power in a relationship.
What is the purpose of hoovering for a narcissist?
Hoovering fills the narcissist’s need for attention, ego boost, or sex. It’s about filling their void.
How is hoovering similar to love bombing?
Hoovering and love bombing both exploit vulnerabilities. The person hoovering tries to control their victim.
What are some common hoovering tactics?
Narcissists might make grand love statements, do romantic gestures, or fake remorse. They might also use emotional blackmail or pretend nothing happened.
Why do narcissists hoover their victims?
They hoover for narcissistic supply, to induce guilt, or to stop their victims from moving on. It’s also to keep up their image and fear of abandonment.
How can one respond effectively to hoovering attempts?
Recognize the pattern and set boundaries. Protect your time and energy. Detach emotionally and keep distance. Don’t give them anything and document their actions.
What is the role of narcissistic supply in hoovering?
Narcissists need constant attention and admiration to feel good about themselves. This is their narcissistic supply.
How does the fear of abandonment drive narcissists to hoover?
Their deep-seated insecurities make them fear being abandoned. This fear drives their hoovering behavior.
How can one resist and protect themselves from hoovering attempts?
Don’t engage unless you want to go back to an abusive relationship. Try to maintain no contact. Avoid responding to messages or calls.
Where can one seek support and professional help when dealing with hoovering?
Talk to loved ones for support. Consider a mental health professional if you’re struggling to cope with narcissism.
Source Links
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- The Manipulative Tactics of Narcissists: Hoovering Explained – https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-hoovering-8407338
- 7 Facts to Know About Narcissistic “Hoovering” – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202209/7-facts-know-about-narcissistic-hoovering
- Narcissistic and Family Scapegoat Recovery – https://www.laurakconnell.com/blog/hoovering
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- Narcissistic Hoovering: How They Reel You Back In And How To Avoid It – Sallt Sisters – https://salltsisters.com/narcissistic-hoovering-how-they-reel-you-back-in-and-how-to-avoid/
- Hoovering and the Narcissistic Victim – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/captivating-crimes/202003/hoovering-and-the-narcissistic-victim
- SIX SAD REASONS WHY THE NARCISSIST IS HOOVERING YOU AFTER NO CONTACT – https://barkhadlekhalif.medium.com/six-sad-reasons-why-the-narcissist-is-hoovering-you-after-no-contact-360e35967ba8
- The Art of Narcissist Hoovering – https://lifesablog.ca/2022/12/the-art-of-narcissist-hoovering/
- Narcissistic Hoovering: How to Stop the Emotional Rollercoaster – https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/narcissistic-hoovering/
- 17 Narcissist Hoovering Examples to Understand the Behavior – https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/narcissist-hoovering-examples/
- Signs the Narcissist You Know is Hoovering You – Fairy Tale Shadows – https://fairytaleshadows.com/signs-of-narcissist-hoovering/
- Hoovering: Definition, Signs, and Coping Tips – https://psychcentral.com/relationships/hoovering
- A Narcissist Always Returns (the Hoovering) – https://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/narcissist-returns-hoovering/
- Getting This Kind Of Text From Your Ex Is A Big Red Flag – https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/hoovering-in-relationships
- Hoovering Narcissist: Definition, Examples, & How to Respond – https://www.wikihow.com/Hoovering-Narcissist
- Hoovering – How The Narcissist Tricks You Into Breaking No Contact – https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hoovering-how-the-narcissist-tricks-you-into-breaking-no-contact/
- A Primer in Narcissistic Hoovering – https://medium.com/invisible-illness/a-primer-in-narcissistic-hoovering-5e2fdf652bdb
- WARNING You Do Not Want to Become a Narcissist’s Source of Supply…. Believe Me! – Narcissistic Behavior – https://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissists-source-of-supply/
- Abandonment Fears of a Vulnerable Narcissist: BPD at the Core – https://psychcentral.com/blog/savvy-shrink/2017/11/abandonment-fears-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-bpd-at-the-core
- Why Narcissists Push Supply Away When They Fear Abandonment – https://medium.com/@SPClusterB/why-narcissists-push-supply-away-when-they-fear-abandonment-e71dd027fe79
- How to Recognise and Resist a Hoover Attempt – https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/how-to-recognise-and-resist-a-hoover-attempt-c1fcce0a08b2
- ‘Hoover Maneuver’: The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse – GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog – https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/hoover-maneuver-the-dirty-secret-of-emotional-abuse-0219154/
- Understanding Positive and Negative Narcissistic Supply – https://bayareacbtcenter.com/positive-and-negative-narcissistic-supply/
- How the narcissist hooks you: Hoovering & baiting – https://narcwise.com/2019/01/20/narcissist-hooks-hoovering-baiting/
- Narcissistic Hoovering Techniques to Watch Out For – Narcissistic Behavior – https://narcissisticbehavior.net/narcissistic-hoovering/
- Who’s Most Likely to Hoover Their Partner? – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202110/who-s-most-likely-hoover-their-partner