Ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells, always trying to please your partner? But then, you get passive-aggressive jabs or a sudden mood change. This might be a sign of a covert narcissist. They hide their narcissistic traits behind a mask of sensitivity and humility. Learning to spot covert narcissism is key to understanding your relationship and finding the right help. Also learn what is covert narcissist mimicking?
Covert narcissism is a part of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s marked by shyness, introversion, and a deep need for admiration. They often hide behind modesty and self-effacement. This makes it hard to see their true need for praise and validation.
They might shy away from social scenes to hide their feelings of inadequacy. Instead, they use sneaky tactics like sabotaging work or blaming others to get what they want. This behavior is all about gaining power and control.
Key Takeaways
- Covert narcissists are experts at hiding their true nature behind a mask of humility.
- They often avoid social scenes to hide their feelings of inadequacy and use sneaky tactics to assert power.
- Despite their need for admiration, they may show empathy to get praise and recognition.
- Spotting the signs of covert narcissism is vital for understanding your relationship and seeking support.
Understanding the Covert Narcissist
Covert narcissists often struggle to truly understand and share others’ feelings1. They might seem to care by nodding or saying clichés, but it’s all about them1. They hide their lack of empathy by pretending to be concerned and attentive, showing a fake side to the world1.
Lack of Empathy Disguised as Sensitivity
Empaths are known for being very sensitive and caring, putting others first1. But, Sam Vaknin, a psychology professor, says this is not real. He believes people called empaths are actually covert narcissists online1. They pretend to be caring while secretly controlling and self-absorbed1.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Covert narcissists often act out in secret ways to control and show their unhappiness without saying it1. They might delay tasks, act inefficient, or give subtle insults. This is different from how they act in public1. Spotting a covert narcissist takes careful watching of their actions and true motives1.
“Empathy is seen as a sign of self-awareness and emotional maturity, with its absence indicating deficits in emotional and cognitive functioning.”1
Narcissists think too highly of themselves, feel they deserve special treatment, and always want praise1. They might act like victims to get sympathy or approval1. Using emotions to control others is a big sign of a covert narcissist pretending to be an empath1.
Telling a real empath from a covert narcissist depends on their true intentions1. Empaths care genuinely, while narcissists want to feel important1. Narcissists might seem to care but don’t really feel it, showing a lack of emotional connection1.
Recognizing the Victim Mentality
People with covert narcissism often see themselves as victims. Research from 2003 shows they might feel victimized more than others2. This helps them avoid blame, get sympathy, and control their relationships.
A 2020 study found that family members of narcissists often see them as victims2. These individuals act like they’re always misunderstood or wronged. They focus on their partner’s flaws instead of their own actions. This way, they avoid being held accountable and gain an advantage.
Interestingly, emotionally intelligent narcissists can play the victim role well2. They know how to control their emotions and understand others. This skill helps them manipulate situations to their benefit.
Low empathy is a key trait of narcissistic personality disorder. It makes them see themselves as victims, even when they hurt others2. Research shows that narcissists’ lack of self-reflection and sense of superiority helps them play the victim.2
Covert narcissists often use the victim mentality as a manipulative tactic to deflect blame, garner sympathy, and maintain control over their partner and the narrative of the relationship.
Understanding the victim mentality in covert narcissism helps us spot and stop their manipulative ways. It empowers us and our loved ones to escape narcissistic abuse2.
Control Issues Camouflaged as Flexibility
Covert narcissists have a hidden need for control. They hide this behind a mask of flexibility and accommodation3. They use tricks like guilt-tripping, shaming, or pretending to be ignorant or vulnerable. This makes their partners agree to their wishes, thinking it’s for mutual benefit or to help the narcissist.
Guilt-Tripping and Shaming Tactics
Covert narcissists use guilt and shame to control their partners3. They make their partners feel bad for mistakes or not meeting their high standards. This lowers their partner’s confidence and self-worth.
Feigning Ignorance or Vulnerability
Covert narcissists pretend to be unaware or vulnerable to manipulate their partners3. This makes their partner confused and weakens their sense of self. It also makes the narcissist seem kind and understanding.
It’s important to see through the control issues hidden as flexibility in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Learning to spot these tricks helps protect against their harmful control and manipulation.
The emotional harm from these tactics can be deep. It can lead to a loss of self, insecurity, depression, and needing the abuser for reality3. Seeking help and support is key to regaining self and escaping a covert narcissist’s control.
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill extreme anxiety and confusion in victims, leading them to mistrust their memory, perception, and judgment.”3
| Characteristic | Impact |
|---|---|
| Guilt-Tripping and Shaming | Undermines partner’s confidence and sense of self-worth |
| Feigning Ignorance or Vulnerability | Confuses and undermines partner while maintaining an image of benevolence |
| Control Issues Disguised as Flexibility | Coerces partner into conforming to the narcissist’s wishes |
Emotional Withdrawal as Punishment
Exploring a relationship with a covert narcissist reveals a dark tactic: using emotional withdrawal as a weapon4. This behavior makes the narcissist feel superior and helps them dodge their own issues4.
Covert narcissists pull back emotionally, becoming more isolated and distant4. They do this to punish, not to protect themselves4. This makes their partner feel alone, unworthy, and desperate for their attention4.
The emotional withdrawal hurts the partner’s self-esteem and sense of value5. The silent treatment is a common abuse tactic5. It leaves the partner in emotional turmoil and uncertainty5.
To deal with this, it’s key to spot emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment6. Seeking help and support is crucial to escape this abuse cycle6. Healing takes time, but with self-care, setting boundaries, and professional help, one can regain emotional health6.
| Characteristics of Emotional Withdrawal as Narcissistic Punishment | Impacts on the Partner |
|---|---|
| – Increased introversion and detachment from the partner – Refusal to communicate or engage in emotional intimacy – Withholding affection and attention as a means of control | – Feelings of isolation and devaluation – Decreased self-esteem and sense of worth – Craving for the narcissist’s attention and affection |
“The emotional maturity of a typical narcissistic person is compared to that of a 5-year-old child.”5
Covert Narcissist Mimicking
Covert narcissists are experts at hiding their true selves. They use many tricks to control others. One trick is narcissistic mirroring, where they copy their victims’ interests and ways. This makes victims think they have a real with the narcissist7. It’s a way to lure people into their trap of narcissistic love bombing.
Covert narcissists can change like chameleons. They make big promises for the future that they don’t plan to keep8. They also use narcissistic projective identification, blaming their own bad traits on their partner. This makes the victim doubt themselves8.
| Tactic | Description |
|---|---|
| Mirroring | Covert narcissists copy their targets’ interests and ways to seem like a good match8. |
| Love Bombing | Narcissists give lots of attention and praise to gain trust and loyalty8. |
| Future Faking | They promise big things for the future but don’t plan to follow through8. |
| Projective Identification | Narcissists blame their own bad traits on their partner, making them doubt themselves8. |
These tricks are how covert narcissists get what they want. It’s important to know these tactics to avoid being hurt by them78.
“Covert narcissists are great at acting like someone else to hide their true self, like actors in movies8.
Learning about covert narcissistic mimicking helps people stay safe. It’s key to protecting your emotional health789.
The Enmeshment and Hoovering Cycle
Covert narcissists often create a cycle of narcissistic enmeshment and narcissistic hoovering. They make their partner feel emotionally and psychologically dependent. Then, they withdraw and punish them to keep control and get covert narcissistic supply.
Narcissistic Enmeshment
The covert narcissist manipulates their partner to create narcissistic enmeshment. They erode the partner’s sense of self and blur boundaries. This makes the partner feel dependent on the narcissist’s approval10.
Narcissistic Hoovering
When the partner tries to leave, the narcissist uses narcissistic hoovering. They use love bombing, future faking, and guilt-tripping to pull the partner back. This keeps the cycle of covert narcissistic manipulation going10.
The narcissistic hoovering phase is key. It lets the narcissist regain control and get their covert narcissistic supply. Narcissists keep multiple sources of supply, like a crocodile with food in its mouth10.
This cycle is very damaging. It leaves victims feeling trapped, manipulated, and emotionally drained10. Recognizing this cycle is crucial to break free and find one’s self again11.
“The act of hoovering is described as a crucial part of the cycle of violence in relationships with narcissists.”10
The cycle of violence has calm, tension, abuse, reconciliation, and calm again. It gets worse over time10. Victims who go back to the narcissist face more abuse and no remorse from the narcissist10.
The narcissistic enmeshment and narcissistic hoovering cycle shows how destructive covert narcissism is. It’s vital to recognize and break free for emotional well-being and growth11.
Devaluation and Discard Phase
As a relationship with a covert narcissist deepens, they may start devaluing and discarding their partner. In this phase, the narcissist slowly erodes their partner’s self-worth through subtle insults and emotional distance12. This cycle can repeat many times, making the victim doubt the love they once felt13.
Covert narcissists may pretend to love their partner, keeping them emotionally hooked until it’s convenient for them13. It’s often puzzling how quickly a narcissist can leave their partner, leaving them wondering what went wrong13.
In the end, the narcissist will discard their partner, seeking new sources of emotional supply. Survivors of narcissistic abuse often show empathy, compassion, and authenticity in the relationship12. The narcissist, however, may lose interest after being emotionally fed for a while12.
“Psychotherapy and support can help survivors of narcissistic abuse heal and move forward.”12
The devaluation and discard phase is incredibly hard on the victim, leaving them with low self-esteem and a long road to recovery13. It’s crucial for survivors to cut ties with their narcissistic abuser to prevent being pulled back into abuse13.
Getting through the devaluation and discard phase requires strength, self-care, and a dedication to healing. By grasping the dynamics of this phase, survivors can prepare for the challenges ahead and start their healing journey.
Causes of Covert Narcissism
The roots of covert narcissism are complex, involving genetics, environment, and psychology. Research shows that it can develop from various factors. These include authoritarian parenting, childhood trauma, and certain personality traits.
Genetic and Environmental Factors
People with covert narcissism often recall childhood trauma and abuse more than those with grandiose narcissism14. They also tend to have more authoritarian parents. This suggests that upbringing plays a big role in its development.
It’s linked to an insecure upbringing, lack of emotional support, and a distorted sense of self-worth.
Personality Traits and Childhood Experiences
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often have traits like aggression and trouble regulating emotions14. These traits come from a mix of genetics and early life experiences. They shape how people cope and see themselves15.
Covert narcissists want to be admired but feel insecure at the same time15. This comes from not getting enough validation and admiration in childhood. It makes them feel fragile and prone to manipulate others.
| Genetic Factors | Environmental Factors | Personality Traits | Childhood Experiences |
|---|---|---|---|
| Predisposition to certain personality traits | Authoritarian parenting, childhood trauma, and abuse | Aggression, reduced stress tolerance, difficulty regulating emotions | Lack of emotional support, distorted sense of self-worth |
“Covert narcissists are highly skilled at manipulating individuals with high empathy, drawing them in with sob stories.” – Elinor Greenberg, therapist
Dealing with a Covert Narcissist
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be tough, but keeping yourself safe is key7. They use guilt and shame to control others, showing little empathy7. They might also feel bad about themselves, get upset easily, and act out in passive ways7.
Setting Boundaries
It’s important to set clear boundaries with a covert narcissist. This means limiting contact and refusing to play their games7. You should also tell them what you need and expect clearly. Getting professional help can also help you protect yourself.
Seeking Professional Help
Getting help from a therapist or counselor can be a big step16. It can help you deal with the emotional strain of being with a narcissist16. A professional can teach you how to cope and decide if staying in the relationship is right for you.
| Dealing with Covert Narcissist | Setting Boundaries | Seeking Professional Help |
|---|---|---|
| Recognize the subtle signs of covert narcissism, such as lack of empathy, sensitivity to criticism, and passive-aggressive behaviors7. | Limit contact, refuse to participate in manipulative behaviors, and clearly communicate your needs and expectations. | Explore the benefits of marriage counseling or individual therapy to navigate the complexities of the relationship and develop strategies for self-protection. |
| Understand that covert narcissists may display cognitive empathy but lack emotional or compassionate empathy, often seeking attention for their own feelings without reciprocating7. | Prioritize your well-being and self-care, even if it means making difficult decisions about the relationship. | Work with a mental health professional to develop coping mechanisms and determine the best course of action, whether it’s preserving the relationship or pursuing divorce. |
Remember, getting help and setting boundaries are key when dealing with a covert narcissist16. The emotional toll can be huge, and a therapist can offer the support you need16.
“Covert narcissists may hold grudges for a long time and exhibit passive-aggressive behavior as a way to convey frustration or assert superiority.”16
By understanding the signs of covert narcissism and taking steps to protect yourself, you can start to take back control. You can find a path that fits your values and needs.
Navigating Divorce with a Covert Narcissist
Getting a divorce from a covert narcissist is tough and emotionally draining. They often use tricks to keep control, making the legal fight hard and bitter17. They might also try to use the legal system to their advantage, making the divorce process very costly and emotionally exhausting for the other person18.
To tackle this challenge, having a solid plan and a good divorce lawyer is key. Sometimes, it’s best to file for divorce without telling your spouse first. This is because covert narcissists might try to avoid the divorce if they know it’s coming17. A skilled lawyer can protect your rights and guide you through the divorce process.
Divorces from narcissists can be very stressful, affecting up to 25% of children18. It’s vital to think about the well-being of any kids involved. Getting professional help can help lessen the emotional harm on them. A good lawyer can also help with tough issues like custody and support, aiming for the best outcome for the family.
High-conflict divorces are long, complicated, and costly, taking up most of family court’s time and money18. With the right lawyer, you can face these challenges and work towards a fair outcome that protects you.
Divorcing a covert narcissist needs careful planning, emotional strength, and the help of lawyers who get these complex situations. By being proactive and getting the right advice, you can get through this tough time and look forward to a better future1718.
Conclusion
Spotting covert narcissism in a partner is key to understanding the relationship dynamics. It helps us take steps to fix the issue. This might mean getting help, setting limits, or even ending the marriage. It’s vital to look out for yourself and choose a path that fits your values.
Learning about their tricks can help you deal with this tough situation. It lets you take back your well-being19. By seeing the power imbalance and their disregard for boundaries, we can protect ourselves. This helps us escape the cycle of abuse19.
Covert narcissists often hide in roles like therapists, clergy, or politicians. They pretend to be caring while really looking out for themselves20. Their sneaky behavior and playing the victim can be hard to spot. But, by staying alert and focusing on our health, we can protect ourselves. We can take back control of our lives1920.
Getting over a relationship with a covert narcissist is tough. But, by learning, setting clear limits, and getting help, we can get through it. We come out stronger, ready to build better, healthier relationships.
FAQ
What are the key characteristics of a covert narcissist?
Covert narcissists have NPD but don’t show off like others with it. They hide behind humility and introversion. This makes them harder to spot than the more obvious narcissists.
How do covert narcissists lack genuine empathy?
They pretend to care but don’t really get what others feel. They seem to listen but their actions are all about themselves. This is because they’re really looking out for their own needs.
What are the passive-aggressive behaviors exhibited by covert narcissists?
They act out in secret to control and show anger without saying it. This can be through being slow, making small insults, or showing they’re upset in other ways. But in public, they seem perfect.
How do covert narcissists play the victim?
They pretend to be victims to avoid blame and get sympathy. This way, they keep control and make their partner feel bad. They always seem misunderstood or wronged.
How do covert narcissists exert control while maintaining a facade of flexibility?
They want control but hide it with flexibility. They use guilt, shame, or pretending to be weak to get what they want. This makes their partner agree without realizing it.
How do covert narcissists use emotional withdrawal as a form of punishment?
They pull away to punish their partner, not to protect themselves. This shows their power and avoids facing their own issues. It’s a way to control and feel superior.
What are the tactics used by covert narcissists to create a false sense of connection?
They pretend to be like their partner to get close. They mirror interests and seem to care deeply. But later, they turn cold and devalue their partner.
What other manipulative tactics do covert narcissists employ?
They make false promises and blame their partner for their own flaws. This is how they control and manipulate. It’s all about getting what they want.
How do covert narcissists maintain control through enmeshment and hoovering?
They make their partner dependent on them, then pull away. This cycle keeps them in control. They use love and guilt to bring their partner back after pushing them away.
What is the devaluation and discard phase of a covert narcissist?
Eventually, they start to belittle and ignore their partner. They use subtle ways to make their partner feel worthless. Then, they discard them for someone new.
What factors contribute to the development of covert narcissism?
It’s not clear why some become covert narcissists. But it might be due to genetics, upbringing, or past trauma. They often have trouble with emotions and stress.
How can someone deal with a covert narcissist in a relationship?
Set boundaries and focus on yourself. Getting help from a therapist or counselor can be key. Sometimes, leaving the relationship is the best option if it’s too hurtful.
What strategies should be considered when divorcing a covert narcissist?
Plan carefully and get a good lawyer. Covert narcissists might try to avoid divorce if they know it’s coming. A lawyer can protect your rights and help you through the process.
Source Links
- Unmasking the “Empath” as a Covert Narcissist – https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/unmasking-empath-covert-narcissist-amour-hunyi-q2fuf
- Why Do Narcissists Play the Victim? – https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/narcissist-plays-the-victim
- What Is Gaslighting? | The Effects of Gaslighting on Victims Of Narcissm – https://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
- Behind Closed Doors: How a Narcissist Confuses Their Partner – https://medium.com/mind-love/behind-closed-doors-how-a-narcissist-confuses-their-partner-b93432c179c9
- Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism – GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog – https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145/
- The Art of Detachment – Esteemology – https://esteemology.com/ending-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist-the-art-of-detachment/
- Covert Narcissists: How To Powerfully Cope & Recognize Them – https://www.scienceofpeople.com/covert-narcissist/
- Narcissists Are The Best Mimics On Earth – https://janetchristy-75765.medium.com/narcissists-are-the-best-mimics-on-earth-ffa85d541865
- Arrogant vs Shy Narcissist Comparation – https://www.infjs.com/threads/arrogant-vs-shy-narcissist-comparation.28303/
- Hoovering – How The Narcissist Tricks You Into Breaking No Contact – https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/hoovering-how-the-narcissist-tricks-you-into-breaking-no-contact/
- The Narcissist And Co-dependent – Two Sides Of The Same Coin – https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-narcissist-and-co-dependent-two-sides-of-the-same-coin/
- Idealize, Devalue, Discard: The Dizzying Cycle of Narcissism – GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog – https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154/
- Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard – Esteemology – https://esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/
- Covert Narcissism — What is it and what are the associated behaviours? – https://medium.com/@gemmamiddleton/covert-narcissism-what-is-it-and-what-are-the-associated-behaviours-78116ac8d6bd
- How to spot a covert narcissist – https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-spot-covert-narcissist-dr-perpetua-neo
- Covert Narcissist: Signs, Causes, and How to Respond – https://www.healthline.com/health/covert-narcissist
- Your Legal Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist – Narcissistic Abuse Explained – https://bartonfamilylaw.com.au/narcissistic-abuse-narcissistic-abuse-personality-disorder/
- Divorcing the Narcissist in Family Court – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202201/divorcing-the-narcissist-in-family-court
- Covert Narcissists are Adult Bullies — Covert Narcissism Group – https://www.covertnarcissism.com/blog/2024/7/17/covert-narcissists-are-adult-bullies
- Covert Narcissists. Unmasking Your Counterfeit Friend. – Human Magnet Syndrome – https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/counterfeit-friend-covert-narcissist/
