The morning dread hits before you're even fully awake. That sick feeling in your stomach when you realize you're still emotionally tied to someone who hurt you—or you find yourself repeatedly drawn to people who share your pain in unhealthy ways. If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing trauma bonding between victims, a complex psychological phenomenon that traps survivors in cycles of emotional dependency and re-traumatization.
Trauma bonding between victims isn't just about staying connected to an abuser. It's a broader pattern that affects how trauma survivors relate to each other, often creating intense but unhealthy connections that feel impossible to break. Understanding these bonds is the first step toward healing and building genuinely supportive relationships.
What Is Trauma Bonding Between Victims?
Trauma bonding between victims refers to the intense emotional attachments that form between people who have experienced abuse or trauma. However, this term is often misunderstood and used in two different contexts:
Clinical Trauma Bonding: The psychological attachment between an abuse victim and their abuser, characterized by cycles of punishment and reward that create an addictive-like bond.
Victim-to-Victim Trauma Bonding: Unhealthy emotional dependencies that develop between trauma survivors, often rooted in shared experiences of abuse but manifesting as codependent or reenacting relationships.
Both types of trauma bonding between victims share common elements: power imbalances, intermittent reinforcement, and the neurological hijacking of healthy attachment systems. The difference lies in whether the bond exists with the original abuser or transfers to other trauma survivors.
When trauma bonding occurs between survivors, it might seem positive at first. Two people who understand each other's pain can offer validation and support. However, these connections become problematic when they're built on shared trauma rather than healthy compatibility, leading to relationships that reenact familiar patterns of dysfunction.
The Neuroscience Behind Trauma Bonding Between Victims
Your brain doesn't distinguish between different types of intense emotional connections. Whether you're bonded to an abuser or another trauma survivor, the same neurological pathways activate. Trauma bonding between victims triggers the brain's reward system through irregular patterns of stress and relief, creating what researchers call “intermittent reinforcement.”
This neurological process explains why trauma bonding between victims feels stronger than cocaine addiction. The unpredictable cycles of emotional highs and lows flood your brain with dopamine and stress hormones, literally rewiring your neural pathways to crave these intense connections.
Dr. Patrick Carnes, who first coined the term “trauma bonding,” described it as “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.” When this happens between trauma survivors, both people often unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics from their original abuse experiences.
The amygdala, your brain's fear center, becomes hyperactive in trauma-bonded relationships. This constant state of hypervigilance makes it difficult to recognize red flags or trust your own perceptions. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for logical thinking—goes offline during emotional crises, making it nearly impossible to think your way out of these bonds.
The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding Between Victims
Understanding how trauma bonding between victims develops can help you recognize these patterns in your own relationships. These stages don't always occur linearly, and some may repeat cyclically:
Stage 1: Love Bombing and Instant Connection
The relationship begins with intense attraction and seemingly perfect compatibility. You've finally met someone who truly “gets” your pain. They shower you with attention, understanding, and validation that feels intoxicating after experiencing abuse or neglect.
This stage feels different from healthy relationship development because of its intensity and speed. Within days or weeks, you might feel like you've known this person forever. They seem to understand your deepest wounds without explanation.
Stage 2: Trust and Dependency Building
As the relationship deepens, you begin relying heavily on this person for emotional regulation. They become your primary source of validation and support. You might start isolating from other relationships or support systems, believing that only this person truly understands you.
During this stage, trauma bonding between victims often involves sharing increasingly intimate details about past abuse or trauma. While vulnerability can be healthy, in trauma-bonded relationships, it becomes a tool for creating dependency.
Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation
The honeymoon period ends, and familiar patterns of dysfunction emerge. Your partner might begin criticizing you, withdrawing affection, or displaying controlling behaviors. Because you're already emotionally invested, you rationalize these red flags or blame yourself for the relationship changes.
This stage is particularly confusing in trauma bonding between victims because both people often have histories of abuse. It becomes easy to excuse problematic behavior as “trauma responses” rather than recognizing unhealthy patterns.
Stage 4: Gaslighting and Reality Distortion
Your perceptions become increasingly unreliable as gaslighting intensifies. You question your memories, feelings, and reactions. The person you trusted to understand your trauma now uses that knowledge to manipulate and control you.
In victim-to-victim trauma bonding, this stage often involves weaponizing each other's trauma histories. Past abuse experiences become ammunition in arguments, and healing progress is undermined or sabotaged.
Stage 5: Resignation and Submission
You stop fighting back or setting boundaries. The pattern becomes so familiar that it feels normal, even comfortable in its predictability. You might tell yourself that all relationships involve pain, or that you deserve this treatment because of your own trauma history.
Trauma bonding between victims often reaches this stage when both people become convinced that their intense, chaotic connection is deeper and more meaningful than “normal” relationships that seem boring by comparison.
Stage 6: Loss of Self
Your identity becomes so intertwined with the relationship that you lose touch with your own needs, desires, and values. You exist primarily to manage the other person's emotions and needs, abandoning your own healing journey in the process.
This stage is particularly dangerous in trauma bonding between victims because both people often sacrifice their individual recovery for the sake of maintaining their intense connection.
Stage 7: Addiction and Entrenchment
The bond becomes fully addictive. Even when you recognize the relationship is harmful, leaving feels impossible. You've developed a neurological dependency that makes separation feel like a threat to your survival.
Breaking trauma bonding between victims at this stage often requires professional intervention and complete separation to allow your nervous system to regulate without the addictive highs and lows of the relationship.
Warning Signs of Trauma Bonding Between Victims
Recognizing trauma bonding between victims can be challenging because these relationships often feel more intense and meaningful than healthier connections. Watch for these red flags:
Emotional Intensity Over Stability: Your relationship feels like an emotional roller coaster with extreme highs and lows rather than consistent support and stability.
Shared Trauma as Foundation: The primary connection point is shared experiences of abuse or trauma, rather than compatible values, interests, or healthy attraction.
Isolation from Support Systems: You've distanced yourself from friends, family, or other support systems, believing that only this person truly understands you.
Reenacting Familiar Patterns: The relationship dynamics mirror aspects of your original trauma, such as power imbalances, emotional manipulation, or cycles of conflict and reconciliation.
Fear-Based Attachment: You stay in the relationship primarily due to fear of abandonment, being alone, or losing the only person who “gets” your trauma.
Competitive Suffering: You find yourselves comparing trauma histories or competing over who has suffered more, rather than supporting each other's healing.
Sabotaging Individual Growth: When one person begins healing or developing healthier relationships, the other person undermines or sabotages that progress.
Physical Symptoms: You experience chronic anxiety, panic attacks, depression, or physical illness that coincide with relationship stress but improve during separations.
Reality Questioning: You frequently doubt your own perceptions, memories, or feelings about the relationship, especially after conflicts or criticism.
Cyclical Breakups and Reunions: You've tried to leave multiple times but always return, often within days or weeks of separation.
Breaking Free: Recovery Strategies for Trauma Bonding Between Victims
Healing from trauma bonding between victims requires both understanding the neurological addiction and developing new patterns of healthy attachment. Recovery is possible, but it takes time, patience, and often professional support.
Immediate Safety and Stabilization
If you're currently in a trauma-bonded relationship, your first priority is safety and emotional stabilization. This doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship immediately, especially if you're not ready or able to do so safely.
Create Physical Distance: Even temporary separations can help your nervous system begin to regulate. Consider staying with friends or family, or ask your partner to stay elsewhere for a few days.
Establish Reality Anchors: Identify trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can help you maintain perspective on the relationship. Share your experiences honestly and ask for their observations.
Document Patterns: Keep a journal of relationship dynamics, including dates, specific incidents, and your emotional responses. This creates objective evidence that can help counter gaslighting and reality distortion.
Nervous System Regulation
Trauma bonding between victims hijacks your nervous system, making it essential to develop regulation skills that don't depend on the relationship.
Daily Grounding Practices: Implement consistent grounding techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation. These help activate your parasympathetic nervous system and reduce hypervigilance.
Physical Movement: Regular exercise, yoga, or dance can help discharge trapped trauma energy and rebuild body awareness that may have been compromised by emotional abuse.
Consistent Sleep Schedule: Trauma bonding often disrupts sleep patterns. Prioritize sleep hygiene and consider professional help if insomnia persists.
Rebuilding Individual Identity
Recovery from trauma bonding between victims requires reclaiming your individual identity separate from the relationship.
Values Clarification: Identify your core values and assess how well your current relationship aligns with them. Trauma-bonded relationships often involve compromising fundamental values.
Individual Therapy: Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands both individual trauma recovery and relationship dynamics. Avoid couples therapy until individual healing is well-established.
Reconnect with Support Systems: Gradually rebuild relationships with friends and family members who may have been neglected or pushed away during the trauma-bonded relationship.
Understanding Healthy Attachment
Many trauma survivors have never experienced truly healthy attachment, making it difficult to recognize the difference between trauma bonding and genuine connection.
Study Secure Attachment: Learn about healthy relationship characteristics such as consistent emotional availability, respect for boundaries, and mutual growth support.
Practice with Low-Risk Relationships: Begin developing healthier attachment patterns through friendships, support groups, or professional relationships before attempting romantic partnerships.
Address Original Trauma: Healing from trauma bonding between victims often requires processing the original abuse experiences that created your attachment wounds.
Professional Treatment Options
While self-help strategies are valuable, trauma bonding between victims often requires professional intervention to fully heal. Several therapeutic approaches have proven effective:
Trauma-Informed Therapy: Work with therapists specifically trained in trauma recovery and attachment disorders. Approaches like EMDR, somatic therapy, and internal family systems can address the root trauma driving bonded relationships.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT skills help develop emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness—all crucial for breaking trauma bonding patterns.
Group Therapy: Connecting with other trauma survivors in a structured therapeutic setting can provide healthy examples of trauma-informed support without the risk of trauma bonding.
If you're struggling to understand your specific situation, getting professional analysis can provide crucial clarity. A comprehensive evaluation by someone who understands narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding can help you recognize patterns you might be missing and develop a personalized recovery plan.
Preventing Future Trauma Bonding
Once you've begun healing from trauma bonding between victims, it's important to develop strategies for preventing these patterns in future relationships.
Slow Relationship Development: Healthy relationships develop gradually over time. Be wary of instant intense connections or people who seem to understand you too quickly or completely.
Maintain Individual Support Systems: Never again allow a relationship to become your sole source of emotional support. Cultivate multiple friendships and professional relationships.
Regular Relationship Assessment: Periodically evaluate your relationships against healthy attachment criteria. Are they supporting your individual growth and healing, or recreating familiar trauma patterns?
Continue Individual Therapy: Ongoing therapy can help you recognize early warning signs of trauma bonding and develop healthier relationship skills.
For those still in situations where leaving immediately isn't possible, there are specific strategies for survival and gradual preparation. Learning how to protect yourself emotionally and practically while planning for eventual freedom can be life-saving knowledge.
When Professional Help Is Essential
Certain situations require immediate professional intervention:
Suicidal Thoughts: If trauma bonding between victims is leading to thoughts of self-harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Physical Abuse: Any physical violence requires immediate safety planning and professional support. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Substance Abuse: If you're using drugs or alcohol to cope with trauma bonding patterns, addiction treatment may be necessary before addressing the relationship issues.
Severe Mental Health Symptoms: Depression, anxiety, PTSD, or other mental health conditions that interfere with daily functioning require professional treatment.
Building Healthy Relationships After Trauma Bonding
Recovery from trauma bonding between victims opens the door to genuinely healthy relationships. These connections feel different from trauma bonds in fundamental ways:
Consistent Emotional Safety: Healthy relationships provide predictable emotional safety rather than cycles of chaos and calm.
Mutual Growth Support: Both partners encourage each other's individual healing and development rather than sabotaging growth.
Respectful Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are handled with respect and aimed at resolution rather than domination or control.
Interdependence vs. Codependence: You maintain individual identities and support systems while also being emotionally available to your partner.
Many trauma survivors benefit from structured workbooks and programs specifically designed to address these addictive relationship patterns. A systematic approach to understanding and breaking trauma bonds can provide the daily support needed during the challenging recovery process.
The Role of Self-Compassion in Recovery
Healing from trauma bonding between victims requires tremendous self-compassion. You're not weak or stupid for being trapped in these patterns. Trauma bonding represents your nervous system's attempt to find safety and connection, even if the methods are ultimately harmful.
Recovery involves rewiring decades of conditioning and healing wounds that may have existed since childhood. This process takes time, and setbacks are normal. Treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend going through similar struggles is essential for sustainable healing.
Remember that recognizing trauma bonding patterns is already a significant step toward freedom. Many people remain trapped in these cycles for years without understanding what's happening. Your awareness creates the possibility for change.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long does it take to recover from trauma bonding between victims?
A: Recovery time varies significantly depending on the length and intensity of the trauma bond, your individual trauma history, and the support systems available to you. Most people begin noticing improvements within weeks of starting focused recovery work, but complete healing often takes months to years.
Q: Can trauma bonding between victims ever become healthy?
A: While rare, some relationships that begin as trauma bonds can evolve into healthier connections if both people commit to individual healing work. However, this requires complete honesty about the problematic patterns, professional support, and often a period of separation to break the addictive cycle.
Q: Is trauma bonding the same as codependency?
A: Trauma bonding and codependency overlap but aren't identical. Codependency involves losing yourself in another person's needs and problems. Trauma bonding specifically involves the neurological addiction created by cycles of abuse and affection. Trauma bonds are typically more intense and harder to break than codependent relationships.
Q: Can I heal from trauma bonding while staying in the relationship?
A: While some healing is possible during the relationship, breaking the full trauma bond typically requires either significant changes in relationship dynamics or a period of separation. The addictive nature of trauma bonding makes it extremely difficult to heal while continuing to receive the intermittent reinforcement that maintains the bond.
Q: How do I know if I'm trauma bonded or just in love?
A: Healthy love feels consistent and safe, even during conflicts. It supports your individual growth and doesn't require you to sacrifice your values or other relationships. Trauma bonding feels addictive, chaotic, and often involves fear of abandonment rather than genuine connection.
Conclusion: Your Journey to Freedom Begins Today
Understanding trauma bonding between victims is the first step toward breaking free from patterns that keep you trapped in cycles of emotional pain and dysfunction. Whether you're bonded to an abuser or caught in unhealthy connections with other trauma survivors, healing is possible when you have the right tools and support.
Recovery from trauma bonding requires patience, self-compassion, and often professional help. The journey isn't linear, and setbacks are part of the process. What matters most is your commitment to recognizing these patterns and taking steps toward healthier relationships.
Remember that your past trauma doesn't define your future relationships. With proper healing and support, you can develop the secure attachment you deserve—relationships built on mutual respect, consistent safety, and genuine love rather than shared pain and addiction-like intensity.
Your healing journey matters, and you deserve relationships that nurture your growth rather than keeping you trapped in familiar patterns of suffering. The first step toward freedom is recognizing where you are. The second step is reaching out for the support you need to get where you want to go.
If you're ready to break free from trauma bonding patterns and build genuinely healthy relationships, professional support can make all the difference in your recovery journey.
